I have to be careful admitting this in some circles, but there’s a large yellow box in a cupboard in my kitchen where I keep a supply of greeting cards. (Yes, I’m a member of THAT generation.) When it’s time to help someone I know celebrate a birthday, wedding, or anniversary, or a holy day such as Passover or Easter, or a holiday like St. Patrick’s Day or Halloween, I select a card from my collection and add a personal note to the message a card designer has already spelled out for me. Selecting cards for my collection can be time consuming, but I’m always on the lookout for interesting cards whenever I’m in a shop that carries them.
And cards aren’t just for happy occasions; I’ve found their greatest value comes when someone I know is going through a tough time. Today I will be sending cards to a couple whose 51 year old daughter just died after a long and painful illness, to a woman friend whose sister died a few months ago, but I just heard of it, and to a woman whose 90 year old husband’s death was reported in the newspaper last week.
It’s difficult to find the right words to cheer someone who’s ill or recovering from surgery, and it’s even harder to find ways to comfort someone grieving the loss of a loved one. Before I was on the receiving end of sympathy cards I thought of them as too simplistic, even lame, to send to someone in the midst of unfathomable grief. But I was surprised how much they helped. Whenever they came, days, weeks, months, or even years later, whatever the printed or hand written message they contained, to me they said “we recognize your pain,” “we care about you,” and “you are loved.” They transported me from a lonely and forsaken place – to a place of “we are here for you now.”
This past week I read of three people who took their own lives many months or years after experiencing the loss of loved ones. All three of their losses were the result of a loved one being taken during a mass shooting incident.
Jeremy Richman, 49, the father of a six year old daughter killed during the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting in 2012, was found dead of an apparent suicide. His wife stated that he died from “a grief he could not escape.”
Cara Aiello, 19, a recent graduate of Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School took her own life, as did a current student in separate incidents, a little over a year after a gunman opened fire at their school killing 17 people. Cara’s mother told reporters her daughter suffered from “survivor’s guilt.”
There’s much we have to learn as a society about supporting one another through grief and loss, particularly in situations of mass tragedy. The grieving process is longer and more challenging, more in and out, up and down. No one gets over grief. We must integrate our present losses into the future lives we create, and in many cases, dropping a “thinking of you” card in the mail could make a difference in helping someone do that.
How do you prefer to send your condolences? How do you like to receive them?
Sheila
