My niece Heather stood behind the podium in the center of the sanctuary of the
Baptist Church, dwarfed by its high ceilings. She was determined to make this a
teaching moment, to speak to members of her many communities – family, friends,
neighbors, her elementary school students, her staff member colleagues, her son’s
high school friends and their parents, members of her alanon group, and her church community. Most people are likely still in some shock over what happened last week in their midst; the sudden overdose death of Heather’s 18-year-old son Jacob after a night of celebrating the super bowl with friends.
The minister introduces Heather by referring to the Celtic tradition where they
speak of the “thin times.” “Those times, when life is coming in or life is going out,
are the times when the veil between the worlds is the thinnest –and we are given
wisdom and clarity as we look into eternity. Heather wants to speak to you from
one of those thin times.”
Her willingness to speak showed her to be the warrior mother she has been
becoming since a week ago Monday morning when she went to her son Jacob’s
room to wake him for school and found him dead. Since then Heather has been
reaching out for help, accepting the support of family and friends, and supporting
others as they deal with their shock and fear. Moving towards this memorial of her
son’s life she has listened carefully to her own wisdom about what needs to be said
and done that can begin the healing for the people in her community and for
herself.
After thanking people for their kind words and funny stories, she begins, “I want to
address the elephant in the room. I want to talk plainly about what has happened
in our community.”
All eyes are upon her, relieved that this will not be a time for shameful silence,
whispers, and innuendos. Families and communities are only as sick as their secrets so her truth-telling is welcomed to begin the healing. “This tragedy strikes fear into every parent’s heart. It strikes way close to home.”
Heather describes her son Jacob as a typical teenager –messy room, hating
homework, driving faster than the speed limit, and, like many of the parents in the
room when they were young, experimenting with drugs. “While never a great idea,
the drugs now, are different. Now they are even more deadly, lethal. There is not
only the risk of addiction, now they may cause sudden death.”
Most everyone in the audience is aware that Jacob is the second student from his
high school who has lost his life this month to a drug overdose. His best friend’s
service was the day before he died. And slightly less than a year ago, two college
freshmen in the community lost their lives to fentanyl overdoses.
“Jake made mistakes, we all do, that’s part of being human…The tragedy here is
that Jake doesn’t get a “do-over.” He doesn’t get to learn from his mistakes –but
we do.”
Heather offers her audiences ways to make the experience of her son’s life and
death redemptive in their own. “We get to start over every day. So it’s not too
late… To make changes, to make a difference, to live every minute because this life is precious and so fragile.”
Heather has a message for the parents in the room, whose fear is palpable.
Parents,
I would urge you to hug your “babies” often. If they are sitting next to you, living
and breathing, it is not too late to have those tough conversations. She mentioned
how helpful it was to her to connect with other parents and suggested they do that.
“It’s a scary time to be a parent.”
Her message to the teenagers was one that only she could deliver, as a 5th-grade
teacher for 20 years, and as a mother whose teenage child’s life has ended too
soon. She was clear that grownups can’t solve this problem, but she tells the
teenagers that they can. She mentions their ‘secret life’ that adults aren’t there for,
so they need to be there for one another. I would urge you to rise up and say, “no
more! We will not lose any more friends! Jake had the typical attitude of ‘it won’t
happen to me.’ Let Jake’s death bring home the reality that it can and it does
happen to us.”
Being a mother who has had two children die before what would be considered
“their time,” I have experienced the way a mission can emerge from their loss, a
way to make their lives count, and prevent others from suffering in the same way.
Heather’s faith has taught her that God can bring good out of whatever evil
happens, but she also knows that she and those who have loved her son are a part of that happening.
“I pray that this tragedy would motivate us to love and good works, to love more
and try harder. Don’t let his be a wasted life. Make your “do-over” count!”
Further Notes –
Heather made it through her speech with grace and ease, not something one can
always do when feelings are so immediately raw and powerful. The service was
live-streamed so people who couldn’t attend were able to experience it, but since it
was a message that many communities need to hear, we were hoping to be able to share it further. I just learned that it was not recorded, but Heather has made the
full text available to share. Here is that link: Heather – Celebration of Life for Jacob.
To take action on what is needed in Jacob’s community, Heather and her family are raising money for Join Together Northern Nevada, and any donation will help empower parents and transform teens through education and awareness to create a drug-free community:
