Last Thursday, August 30th was “National Grief Awareness Day.” Like me, you probably didn’t know there was a Grief Awareness Day, but as an expert on grief and loss, I can see how it is needed. It’s only recently that our culture has begun to speak more openly about grief and what to do to grieve the many losses we experience in our personal and communal lives. Just naming a day won’t teach us how to grieve, but it does encourage us to recognize its importance in our lives.
In looking further into the “day of” calendar I smiled when I learned that “Grief Awareness” share the day with Toasted Marshmallow Day. Not sure how important toasted marshmallows are but the image that came to mind of a family around a campfire toasting marshmallows might be to offering a cue. It seemed connected to the family birthday party I hosted a couple of days ago for my six-year-old granddaughter.
Kyra was to have a kids’ party over the weekend but, given all this family has been dealing with, I thought it important that we have a family party for her on her actual birthday. Her parents have been separated for several years now, and things don’t always go smoothly in juggling between the houses of Mom and Dad and the Grandmothers. The idea of a family party seemed to light a spark for Kyra as she told anyone and everyone she met that she was having a family party and a kids’ party.
There was waking up before anyone else, not wanting to miss a moment of the day. There was swimming with her grownup cousin Will and her Dad, decorating and setting the party table with me, playing a card game with her Mom, and Barbie dolls with her other grandmother. And of course, showing her newly decorated room to everybody who came in the house. But the highlight happened when the whole family played a follow the leader type game from Interplay, the improvisational system I teach and use to perform.
We started with my colleague Soyinka Rahim’s BIBO exercise – breathing together and exhaling in different ways – BIBO – breath in, breathe out – with a sigh, with a roar, with a yum, -taking turns calling out which exhale to do. We shared in pairs some thoughts or stories we had on the theme of “birthday.” Next came a version of what we call the “Magic spot” or “Pittsburgh Form” – someone starts a repetitive motion and everyone follows. That movement continues until someone steps into the magic stop and everyone stops. In this version, the person in the spot says three sentences about what they know about the “Birthday Girl.” Then that person becomes the new leader and starts a new movement. The “Birthday Girl” was told when it was her turn to say what it’s like to BE the birthday girl.
Her mother said how wonderful it was to by Kyra’s mom and how she was the light of her life. Her Dad described her as smart and funny and great to teach and learn new things with. Her other grandmother talked about her unlimited energy for creative play. I told about the day she was born and the joy I felt that she seemed to be waiting for me as I flew from Pittsburgh through DFW airport to Palm Springs, having her grandfather pick me up, drive (not too fast, the road is a speed trap) to get to the hospital birthing room in time to join my sister grandmother to watch her being born.
Kyra went last and she said it was fun to have a birthday. And then, with a touch of seriousness, she said what the ritual was all about. “I’m glad I’m in this family.”
So Toasted Marshmallow Day and its suggestion of family members sitting around a campfire at twilight, singing songs, telling stories, and toasting those marshmallows in order to have them melt the chocolate on the ‘smores, isn’t far off from what we need to do to soothe our sorrow, grieve, and create together something new.
