I finally ordered a new pair of dance shoes. Not sure how long I’ve had the old ones, maybe 6 or 7 years, but I do know how well I’ve taken care of them. I never wore them on the street, saving them to use only on a proper dance floor. When I purchased those shoes, the store merchant told me they were the last pair, that the company had discontinued that style.
Through the years I’ve held to that fact since I never see anyone with my type of jazz shoe in dance classes, most people just use modern versions of what we used to call “tennis shoes.” But today online I found a version of my dance shoes by the same manufacturer and took steps to order it. You see my old ones have disappeared.
It’s amazing how disconcerting even such a small loss as this one can be. I have made a professional study of grief and loss and people’s reactions to it, starting with my own reactions. When I have a part in the loss, as in this case, I tend toward self-criticism, scolding myself for not being more careful, or better organized. I have trouble letting go of the search to recover what has been misplaced or hidden from view.
After my recent road trip the small black bag with the white letters that spelled “Amsterdam” on it, which is where those shoes always lived, is no where to be found. I remember removing it from my car because I knew I wouldn’t need it on the trip and I had to make room for suitcases, boxes of books, and flip charts for our presentations.
In dealing with losses, we long to understand what caused them. What lead up to that person losing their job? What disease did her sister die from? With my shoes I’ve postulated various scenarios – Perhaps I only thought about removing the bag containing the shoes from my car but didn’t actually do it. Then the bag might have fallen out or been taken from the car and left in any one of the many places where I stopped along the way. Or perhaps I put the bag into an out of the way place for safe keeping but that place was so out of the way that the bag is now hidden from me, perhaps forever.
Letting go of a loss means pivoting or reaching out to explore what there is to reinvest in. My surprise in finding a similar shoe on line this morning showed me that often I hold on tightly to the old and familiar rather than having to adjust to or break in, something new.
How do you handle small, inconvenient losses?
Sheila
