Today’s the day I’m supposed to celebrate my birth. This practice, this ritual, is not universal in all cultures, but in mine, it’s consistent from the first icing-covered baby face toddler sitting in a highchair, to the swimming pool and bounce room back yard parties, to parents delivering cupcakes to school classrooms, to the birthday breakfasts children cook and deliver to their parents’ bedrooms, to restaurant servers collecting together around a single candle at a patron’s table singing a chorus of “Happy Birthday” to the now outed celebrant, through the “today’s the birthday of…” signs in the bannered decorated dining rooms of senior care centers. The balloons, the cards, the candles, the song–all ritual items, and elements of ceremony to be able to claim in family and community, “we’re glad you’re here and happy that you made it for another year.”
With all the attention being paid to the issue of abortion since Roe vs Wade was overturned, our birthdays might be a good time to acknowledge that getting to an actual birth day is not the most common outcome for a fertilized egg. Most miscarry, or spontaneously abort, often before a woman is even aware that she is pregnant. Our ancestors who lived close to the land knew this. Working in my garden, as the seeds are scattered by the wind, I know that hardly any of them will find success in becoming a living replication of their parent plant. This awareness is most likely the reason couples hesitate to announce their pregnancy to friends and family members in the early months – not wanting to set themselves up for deep feelings of communal grief and loss. As my own mother and daughter each learned through their own personal experience– a natural abortion is relatively common, especially in the early months, and especially if it is a woman’s first pregnancy.
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These scientific facts and the experiences of friends and family throughout the years increase my desire to celebrate birthdays, my own and others, and particularly the birthdays of those who have gone from us. Part of grieving well is maintaining a relationship with a deceased loved one, remembering the gift to our life that they have been. The rarity of birth days fuels my passion to change the way we relate to bereaved parents who have lost infants. Since these loved ones did not live long enough to become known to many others, the parents of children miscarried, or who died in infancy are left alone to suffer in silence and pressured to forget and move on. My dancing social worker friend Lynn Coghill lost one of her twin sons around this time of year shortly after his birth twenty some years ago. She had to hold grief in one side of her heart and gratitude in the other, as she took care of, and raised her living son. She told me that the fact that her two sons have the same birthday is a kind of blessing. It gives her the opportunity to acknowledge both her grief and gratitude every year on the anniversary of the birth day of both her sons.
I will celebrate today with gratitude for the long life I’ve been given, beginning with a walk in my garden, followed by a luncheon date with my husband. And later, a friend will host a dinner for dear friends where we will sing my favorite birthday song, taught to me by some African American women friends, “God danced the day you were born, the angels did the bump to Gabriel’s horn, God danced the day you were born, grateful for the gift of you.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhAaOeypmsU
I’d love to have you join us for the first in a series of four online workshops on the theme of The Art of Grieving: How Art Helps Us Live Our Best Lives. The first session on the Reimagine Platform will meet Sunday July 24th at 1 – 2:30 pm eastern time. I’ll be joined by Scottish musician Mairi Campbell and members of The Wing & A Prayer Pittsburgh Players. We’ll be exploring music and voice to and ways to create rituals of remembrance. https://letsreimagine.org/76768/the-art-of-grieving-how-art-helps-us-live-our-best-lives
