Families Sheltering at Home – To much togetherness? Not enough? Or Just Right?
Goldilocks figured it out. One bed was too soft, the other two hard; one porridge too hot, the other porridge too cold – but then – she found the ones that were just right.
Not that easy these days for us as we are sheltering, (sometimes too closely) at home, many adults working from home, students going to school from home, and all trying to stay in touch with family and friends sheltering in their own homes and eldercare facilities too far away for a social distancing in-person conversation. This is all happening using telephone and on-line technologies many of us had only dabbled in before this pandemic. I have to say, I’m continually taking back all the bad things I ever said about technology. If we can learn how to use it, it can keep us connected.
In my neighborhood there’s a young college man who, having been evicted from his dorm room, lives alone while his mother and sister are sheltering in CA. Another neighbor is a physician and infectious disease specialist who comes and goes in the dark, after sundown and before first light. Though I only met her through seeing her walk her dog, she knew us well enough to know we’re in the especially vulnerable age group for the virus. Long before the CDC suggested it, she dropped off a few masks and gloves for my husband and I, instructing us to use them whenever we go outside.
More than a half-century of experiences in a dysfunctional family caused my alarm buttons to go off when I saw the necessity of people having to shelter at home for an extended period of time. As a young adult who left home early to seek my fortune, and avoid the shouting matches that small disagreements frequently became, I figured out that there was a just right amount of togetherness to be able to stay in touch with the love I had for my family members and that they had for me.
When you first arrive, everyone is happy to see everyone, and you catch up on Dad’s garden, mom’s new drapes, and try to explain what job you expect to get once you finish your degree in literature. But thirty years as a family therapist taught me that your family system will emerge at some point of too much closeness – “you promised to do the dishes.” ” When are you going to take your crap out of the living room,” and everyone’s bad habits come to the fore front. The system that was created, perhaps even before you were born will emerge. The system will create you in a somewhat unflattering pose. (Hope nobody takes a close up of your clenched jaw.)
Rather than have that happen, there is a magic number of hours or days where people will be able to hold on to their own better selves. Then it’s time to retreat for some alone time and grant that to others so everyone can re-discover their boundaries and allow love to overcome irritation. Perhaps if I were better at math, I could tell you what that number is, but you’re gonna have to discover it for yourself. It’s part of becoming a true grown-up.
As a dancing social worker I know that not everyone has a home tailored to the needs of where they are in their life cycle. Having to move back home for whatever reason can be an assault on a young person’s sense of emerging independence. In many homes students of all ages are grief-stricken, missing their friends and the spring events they’ve looked forward to; school plays and proms and college graduations that are not going to take place. And all of them, along with all of us, and looking into the abyss of uncertainty of what our new lives will become after we can safely leave home.
A friend shared an odd coincidence with me. There is another way to spell Corona. It’s pronounced the same, but Karuna’ is a Sanskrit word that means compassion and self-compassion. This, and being on the lookout for neighbors who may be in vulnerable family situations like domestic violence or child abuse, is exactly what’s needed in this global situation of individual and communal grief and loss.
What have you found most helpful in easing the stress of sheltering at home?
Sheila
I have been conducting free classes and zoom consultations to assist people in finding ways to take care of themselves and deal with the challenges of working and sheltering at home. If you are interested in having a free discovery call to see how I might be of help to you, your work team, or your family, call me at 817-706-4967 or drop me a line at
sheilakcollins@gmail.comYou can join me tomorrow online at
