I’ve always had an aversion to Valentine’s Day, those tacky, lacy red hearts with their commanding declarations, “Be My Valentine!” and “You Belong To Me!” Hanging in the air are memories of the excitement/anxiety of those elementary school valentine day exchanges, or the questioning dread during our high school years, “Will the boy/girl I like respond with a ‘I like you too,’ or ignore us and focus on someone else?’” The legacy of these questions through the years boils down to “Am I loved?” and “Am I lovable?”
As grown-ups the restaurant ads invite us to show our partners that we love them by making a reservation for an $80 champagne dinner on February 14th, lest we risk sending a message that we do not appreciation them and all they do for us. Borrowing a saying from another holiday, “Bah humbug.”
I’m just back from a trip that reaffirms for me what the spirit of Valentine’s Day really is. My son and his six year-old daughter Kyra flew from Palm Springs to meet me in Portland Oregon where I’d been attending a training. We drove to Newport where Kevin’s 90 year-old father lives. George and I were married for 13 years over 40 years ago, had three children together and buried two. Through the years we’ve tried to follow the original decision we made that since we couldn’t have a good marriage, we’d try for a good divorce.
One of the main purposes for our trip was to help Kyra’s grandfather de-clutter his house in preparation for receiving some housekeeping services. He lives alone, and due to some health challenges he’d been unable to keep up in this area of his life. Before we visited, Kyra with my help, addressed Valentines for her mother and father and for the grandfather she hadn’t seen since she was 2 and did not remember ever meeting.
Kyra is all about play. She kept inviting her grandfather to play games with her like Bingo and Crazy 8s but he told her, in his gruff curmudgeon voice, “I don’t play games!” But she got him to agreed to play one game that she and her Mom had played at their house – The Tidy House Game. The way she explained it, “You take something and you ask yourself, ‘Is this good for me? Does it bring me joy?’ If it does, then you keep it. Or, if you say “I’m not using this, someone else might like it,’ then you put it in the giveaway pile. And squinting her nose up like she smelled something unpleasant she continued, “Or you say, ‘No one would want this,’ and you put it in the trash.”
Once this game got going it took on a life of its own. As we identified and sorted items for George to make a decision about, he began telling the stories attached to the items. Kyra learned about his life, (he’d been in the army), his hobbies, (photography) and avocations, (lighthouses). She heard about her relatives, some she’d met and some who where her ancestors. There were gifts in the piles for her too; a toy iPhone, a slightly used IPad and an amazing machine that could tell you the weather anywhere in the country whenever you ask it the question.
“I didn’t think this would be so fun,” Kyra said as she dusted books and wiped counters. And her grandfather said, when Kevin mentioned he’d like to return soon to finish the job we’d started, “I’d love it, and be sure and bring that little helper girl with you.”
What have you done for love that might not fit the mores of Valentine’s Day?
Sheila
